Are you struggling to find meaning and purpose in your life after graduating high school or college, and feeling woefully underprepared for adulthood? Do you feel like your life lacks purpose, like you have no idea where to even start, like you're stuck just distracting yourself from how bad you feel about how things are playing out in your life? Don't worry — you're not alone!
I think what you're experiencing is very common and natural to feel based on where you're at. Many people struggle to find meaning and purpose in their lives, especially in their late teens and early 20s. This isn’t at all a unique problem — millennials in general are facing a quarter-life crisis of meaning brought on by the unique moment we seem to be experiencing in Western society, one characterized by excessive emphasis on individualism, unique identity, and hedonism.
Now, don’t get me wrong, pursuing pleasure and individuality isn’t a bad thing. It’s just that it’s really hard to come up with a convincing life story, a “story of you” that has a lot of drama and tension, if you’re ultimately the only thing that matters to you. You need to have other characters to interact with and quests to go on, ultimately in the service of some larger plot.
The awesome thing about the “story of you” is that it is in fact unique; you aren’t in someone else’s story book, and at least in Western society, no one is really writing the story for you. You get to choose the plot, you get to decide which characters matter to you, and you ultimately get to decide what side-quests you accept as you grow and develop and level up your skills as a (hopefully) good and decent person on this planet.
The other awesome thing about your story being uniquely your own is that it really doesn’t make sense for you to be comparing yourself to other people, or even to your own past. Saying that you are struggling, or that you'll always be this way because you have been before, might not be quite right. Again, you’re in your story book, not theirs. You haven’t read all the chapters in their book, and your character hasn’t been through the same experiences theirs has. Indeed, their circumstances are likely very different from your own, even if some of the plot points might be similar.
We tend to create a lot of drama and stress for ourselves when we compare ourselves to others, because we often only see the best excerpts from their stories, whereas we have access to all of our own rough drafts. It’s easy to convince yourself that your story isn’t very good when you compare yourself in this way.
Instead, try to compare yourself in your life story’s current chapter with yourself in previous chapters — but do so in a positive way: How have you changed, grown, and matured? What pain and hardship has made you wiser and more resilient? What failures have taught you to appreciate the successes in your life? Who have you met that changed your life’s course? What losses have made you appreciate what you have? What wonderful things have you encountered that taught you the joy and excitement that can be found in this world?
Surely, when you reflect on your own life’s story, you’ll realize that you’ve come very far, and that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
The remaining pages remain to be written, but the only page you need concern yourself with is the one you're on now — the one with the blinking cursor.
What can you do right now to bring your story closer to its happy ending?
Try to envision what your next chapter could be like. Remember, you’re the protagonist in your own life story, so you will need to take charge and take action to make the plot move along. Think about what it is that you value, what it is that you most need, what it is that you deeply crave. What is keeping you out of alignment with your core values, or keeping you from acting on your needs and wants?
When you stop and think about what is standing in your way, you might find that what is keeping you from achieving your goals is mostly negative self talk — you telling yourself that you can’t, or you shouldn’t, or it isn’t the right time, or that you're going to fail again, because you have before. Perhaps you struggle with delayed gratification, and get stuck procrastinating, telling yourself that you just aren’t ready to commit to that next big project when you could be doing something fun right now.
If you’re someone who struggles with procrastinating, one thing you might be able to do to get your life story back on track is to work on balancing satisfying your immediate wants with work towards your long-term desires. It’s important to ask yourself what is keeping you from doing the important things in your life. You don’t need to give up on all your side quests, but you do need to work on the main plot of your story at least from time to time — having a sense of progress in your life will leave you feeling much more satisfied and likely less depressed.
Unfortunately, if you’re already depressed and feeling stagnant, it can be hard to break this cycle. It’s hard to get from feeling like you “have to” do things to getting excited about the fact that you get to do them at all. Willpower and self-control are harder to come by when you’re already feeling low, and passion can be difficult to feel when everything feels like a chore. However, there are a few things you can do to give yourself the best possible chance at getting your story back on track.
One of the most important things you can do is to practice good self-care: Get plenty of sleep, eat a varied diet, get fresh air and experience the outdoors, and try to get some exercise every day. Treat yourself lovingly, and others will likely do the same.
Spend time in community with people who have similar values and goals and who do not judge you for who you truly are, and don’t surround yourself with people who leave you feeling anxious and stressed. Try not to binge any one particular activity for too long — whether that’s scrolling Twitter, playing League of Legends, shitposting on Reddit, or getting drunk/stoned.
Games, substances, media, and even sexual gratification can all become too much of a good thing if you don’t zoom out and think about balancing your life, ensuring that you have some forward progress even as you stop to enjoy yourself now and then.
To ensure that you’re making good progress, another thing to try is to build a support network of people you can confide in and empathize with. When you have people you can express your worries and doubts to, without fearing judgement, you will have much better luck talking yourself out of negative messages that you attack yourself with — often because your friend will help you see that you’re more capable and valuable than you give yourself credit for.
Hopefully reflecting on what is keeping you from making progress in your life story helps you get unstuck; best of luck with writing the next chapter!
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Certified Professional Coach Michael Schreiber, Ph.D. owns and operates Joining Hands Coaching, an internet-based life success coaching and relationship coaching practice. Michael’s passion is for helping gay men and other LGBTQ individuals navigate the difficult journey to self-love and self-acceptance as they strive to create successful lives and satisfying, fulfilling personal and professional relationships. Coaching sessions are available by phone and online: www.joininghands.coach, or michael@joinininghands.coach.